Grief - What is It?
Grief is a combination of strong emotions triggered by the death of someone we love. It is not only a feeling of sadness due to loss. It also contains such feelings as resentment, anger, guilt, fear and depression. Because it is an emotional reaction, grief is not logical and cannot be dealt with logically. It is common for a bereaved person to feel as though they have been abandoned, even though they know that in most cases the person would not have left them if they had had a choice.
The first reaction to a death is commonly one of shock and numbness. This is the way the body handles most pain. We may even deny that the death has happened, telling ourselves that "it must be a mistake". As the reality of the death sinks in we may experience physical symptoms of shock such as shortness of breath, dry mouth, weakness and a feeling of unreality.
This may be followed by irritability, tiredness, and eating and sleeping either too much or too little. If these symptoms persist or are severe, it may be wise to visit a physician.
People commonly feel angry and resentful towards the person who has died, especially if the departed left a lot of loose ends such as having no will or if we were on poor terms with them. If you feel angry, try writing a "letter of release" to the person who has died, or perhaps imagine them in the room with you and have a conversation with them, even yell at them. Letting your feelings out is the first step in letting them go.
If someone dies in an accident or by suicide, we may also feel guilty for not having prevented the death or for not knowing how the person felt. Or perhaps we feel guilty for something we did or didn't do and which we now will never have the chance to make right. Again, try writing a letter of release, or imagine apologizing to the deceased in person. Take time to do this each time those guilty feelings come up and they should gradually lessen.
We may also become irrationally afraid of being in whatever circumstance surrounded the death: we may refuse to drive if someone died in a car crash, for example. If such feelings persist, it may be a good idea to seek professional counseling.
It is common for people to have a strong sense of the presence of the person who has died. This may last for many years. We may think we see or hear the departed, or even smell them. It can be a shock, and as we remember the truth we may experience once again a fresh sense of loss and grief.
If we are to heal it is important to allow ourselves to feel the emotions as they occur. If we try to pretend they don't exist we are likely to become depressed, or find that the emotions force their way out long afterwards or in inappropriate ways. Crying is especially beneficial, as it promotes the production of the brain's natural painkillers. If you don't have someone close that you can talk to and cry with, a bereavement support group may be beneficial.
If your depression persists or if you begin to think of suicide, you need to talk to your doctor or seek professional counseling, or call your local crisis hotline.
The period of grieving, also called bereavement, lasts for as long as it lasts. It is different for each person. When someone has been ill for a long time our period of bereavement after they die may appear to be short, because we have already said our goodbyes before the death. In other cases it may take from six months to two years for the pain to lose its edge and life regain its savor. But eventually we will be able to think of the person who has died without hurting, even though we still miss them.
If you need resources for dealing with bereavement, the number of your local crisis hotline will be listed in the telephone book. These hotlines are usually able to refer people to the appropriate resources in their area. In the Martinsville area contact:
Regional Behavioral Health Network
(866)-567-2400 www.rbhn.org